10 Effective Replacement Behaviors for Hitting and Aggression

Many parents and caregivers struggle to manage aggressive behavior in children. These are the situations that can deteriorate a situation quickly–because many schools have zero tolerance policies against aggression. And it can be extremely ostracizing for our kids and then no one wants to work with them.

It is important to address the underlying causes of hitting, such as frustration or a lack of communication skills. And, it is equally important to provide children with replacement behaviors that are safe and appropriate. That means teaching replacement behavior–not just rewarding and punishing behavior.

Children need replacement behaviors for hitting and aggression.

My son rides a van with 2 other students. His nurse is on the van waiting for him every morning.

Today he wanted to take his Sesame Street microwave toy with him to school. He’s allowed to take a toy with him for the ride. This toy is a bit larger than what I usually encourage, but I allowed it.

He carried it with him down the front walk to the van. Despite the correct prompting, he was upset that I took the microwave from him so that his hands were free to get on the van.

So, he grabbed his nurse’s hair. He loves his nurse, his van squad and his school. She just got the brunt of his displeasure because she was closest.

There are many risks to not fixing this behavior, addressing the antecedents, and teaching the child the necessary skills

hitting and aggression may be treated punitively–with suspensions or expulsions
your (my) child may be hit in retaliation from the person they hit, if they do not have proper self regulation
it’s socially ostracizing and stigmatizing behavior

Antecedents to Hitting and Aggression

It’s important to address the antecedents to this behavior.

In my son’s scenario this morning, the antecedent was quite clear. I took something from him and he was not happy with that decision.

Tomorrow morning, I will be more aware of this situation and will use preventative measures.

These may include:

Not allowing the microwave to be his toy of choice in the morning
taking the toy from him at the front door, before we walk to the van
Fewer verbal prompts (he’s a slow processor)
Keeping the microwave in his line of vision during the entire transition to the van

I don’t know which I will choose, but hitting his nurse or pulling her hair is not appropriate. And, he’s a teenager. A strong teenager. His nurse and I are forgiving when these incidents happen.

The next caregiver may not be and abuse to our kids happens all the time.

Other antecedents to aggressive behavior or hitting are:

sensory overload
task avoidance or task refusal
Interoception issues
lack of emotional regulation skills
no skill set to manage social situations (a peer cheated or didn’t play by the rules)
being bullied
does not have skill set to do what is asked of them (frustration)

I’m sure there are more, but make sure your child’s team has adequately addressed the antecedents.

Child who needs a replacement behavior for his yelling — Yelling is another behavior that can socially ostracizing.

Address the Antecedents

There was a discussion on my Facebook page recently, about sensory overload or sensory issues in the classroom.

A mom posted something like “Well, his sensory issues are never going to change–the brightness of the lights is never going to not bother him.”

Ok, I get that. But, we can’t go snowplowing through our kids’ lives forever, plowing every antecedent out of the way.

I replied something like, “Yes, I get that. But, if the bright lights are bothering you, you can learn to ask to leave and go to a safe space, you can ask for sunglasses, or you can scream and carry on or do some other socially ostracizing behavior.”

All that to say, I get it. Our society doesn’t do enough–school or otherwise, to really figure out our kids and what is bothering them and make it better.

We still have to teach them coping skills.

And, make sure your child has self-advocacy skills. Many students have IEP goals for self advocacy skills.

Our kids need to be able to self-identify when they are reaching dysregulation, and how to ask for help or a brain break.

There are many possible replacement behaviors for hitting, depending on the child’s age, temperament, and interests.

Autism and Aggressive Behaviors

Aggressive behaviors in autistic people can be particularly challenging for parents, educators, and caregivers. The issues are multifaceted, often involving a mix of sensory sensitivities, communication difficulties, emotional regulation challenges, and unmet needs or frustrations.

Here’s a breakdown of the core issues and some practical strategies to address them:

Understanding the Causes of Aggressive Behaviors

Sensory Overload: Many autistic people have heightened sensitivities to sensory stimuli (like loud noises, bright lights, or crowded spaces), which can trigger aggressive reactions as a means to cope or communicate about their sensory discomfort.
Communication Difficulties: When children struggle to express their needs, feelings, or frustrations due to limited verbal skills or social communication challenges, aggression might become their default method of communication. The old adage, “all behavior tells you something” applies here. My son pulled his nurse’s hair. There was a reason–it was just not an appropriate response.
Emotional Regulation: Autistic children often face challenges in managing and regulating their emotions. This can lead to outbursts when they feel overwhelmed by anxiety, frustration, or anger.
Routine Disruption or Changes: Autistic people rely on routines and predictability. Changes or unexpected events can trigger anxiety and aggressive behaviors as a response to their discomfort with uncertainty.
Task Avoidance or Refusal: When they don’t want to do something, they might act out.
Interoception Issues: Trouble understanding internal body signals (like hunger or pain) can lead to frustration.
Social Challenges: Problems with peers or feeling bullied can trigger aggression.
Frustration with Expectations: Not knowing how to do what’s being asked can cause a meltdown.

Replacement Behaviors for Hitting

It is important to choose replacement behaviors that are compatible with the child’s developmental level and that provide a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.

What I mean by that is–some kids will need direct instruction in this. This is where I find schools fall behind–not having the resources to do direct instruction, in the moment, teaching. You cannot just tell an autistic child, “Don’t hit him, take a few deep breaths instead.”

It requires in-the-moment instruction, teaching self-awareness, labeling emotions as they are developing and changing. Fight or flight, which is what happens in many aggressive incidents, is a primal response. Undeveloped SEL or executive functions will result in continuous incidents of fight or flight.

The best way to address hitting is to teach positive replacement behaviors that achieve the same goal (like expressing frustration or getting attention) without harm.

Positive Reinforcement: Praise and reward for using words or other non-aggressive methods to express needs.
Teach Emotional Self-Regulation: Skills like deep breathing or counting to ten help manage big emotions.
Model Appropriate Behavior: Show them how to use words, walk away, or use physical activity (like running) to channel energy.
Functional Alternatives: Encourage using a signal or phrase like “I need a break” when they feel overwhelmed.
Provide Physical Outlets: Activities like squeezing a stress ball or jumping jacks can help release tension.

Replacement Behaviors for Aggression

I don’t know what all I’d include in aggression. But, destruction of property for sure!

I’ve had many kids destroy school property. That’s a fast way to land yourself in a manifestation hearing.

Identify Aggression Triggers

Before teaching replacement behaviors for aggression, it is essential to identify the triggers that lead to aggressive behavior. Common triggers include frustration, fear, anxiety, and sensory overload.

The individual may have difficulty communicating their needs or may struggle with impulse control, leading to aggression. Again, if a child does not have the skill set to identify a situation and respond appropriately, fight-or-flight incidents will continue to occur.

Teach Coping Strategies

Once triggers have been identified, teaching coping strategies is the next step. Coping strategies can help the individual manage their emotions and reduce the likelihood of aggressive behavior.

Coping strategies can include deep breathing, counting to ten, taking a break, or engaging in a calming activity such as drawing or listening to music. It is important to teach coping strategies when the individual is calm and not in the midst of an aggressive episode.

Social Skills Training

Social skills training can help individuals with aggression learn appropriate ways to communicate their needs and interact with others. Social skills training can include role-playing, modeling, and direct instruction.

The individual can learn how to express their emotions in a non-threatening way and how to problem-solve conflicts. Social skills training can also help the individual develop empathy for others, which can reduce aggressive behavior.

Identifying triggers, teaching coping strategies, and social skills training are effective replacement behaviors for aggression. By implementing these strategies, caregivers and teachers can help individuals with aggression manage their emotions and develop appropriate social skills.

Replacement Behaviors for Verbal Aggression

Replacement behaviors for verbal aggression are alternative, positive actions that can help a child communicate their needs, emotions, or frustrations in a more appropriate way.

These behaviors should serve the same function as the verbal aggression (e.g., expressing frustration, seeking attention, or escaping a situation) but in a constructive manner. Here are some replacement behaviors that can be effective:

Verbal aggression, like shouting or name-calling, can also be addressed with replacement behaviors:

Teach Calm Communication Skills: Encourage “I feel…” statements or polite requests to express needs.
Visual Supports: Use emotion cards or communication boards for non-verbal expression.
Encourage Problem-Solving: Practice scenarios where they brainstorm solutions and choose calm responses.
Redirect to Physical Activities: Channel verbal aggression into physical activity, like walking or using a stress ball.

Teach Emotional Regulation Strategies

Again, both parents, teachers (and aides, paras, etc.) must address these moments in real time as they are happening.

Deep Breathing Exercises: Encourage deep breathing techniques (e.g., “Take five deep breaths”) to help calm down when they feel the urge to use verbal aggression.
Count to Ten: Teach the child to pause and count to ten before responding when they feel angry or frustrated.
Use a Calm Down Space: Create a designated calm-down area where the child can go to relax and self-regulate when they start feeling overwhelmed.
Ask for Help: Teach the child to ask for help from an adult or peer when they are feeling overwhelmed or do not know how to handle a situation.
Request a Break: Encourage the child to use a signal or a phrase (like “I need a break”) when they need time away from a situation that may be triggering their aggression.
Teach Positive Affirmations: Encourage the child to use positive self-talk or affirmations when they are upset (e.g., “I can handle this,” or “I can stay calm”). This helps shift their mindset and reduces the likelihood of verbal aggression.
Physical Outlets: Sometimes, verbal aggression stems from pent-up energy. Encourage the child to engage in a physical activity, like jumping jacks, a short walk, or squeezing a stress ball, to release tension.
Positive Attention Requests: Teach the child to appropriately seek attention (e.g., saying, “Look at me,” or “I need you to listen to me”). Reinforce positive behaviors when they seek attention appropriately.
Journaling or Drawing: Encourage the child to write in a journal or draw pictures to express their feelings when they are upset or angry. This can serve as an alternative outlet for their emotions.
Teach Humor as a Coping Mechanism: Help the child use humor to lighten the mood and diffuse their own anger or frustration.

Does this really work to reduce aggressive behaviors?

I know that some of you may be reading this and think, “really? a journal or coloring book is going to fix this?”

Yes, these strategies actually work. The problem usually lies in schools being under-resourced and not having the staff to handle these situations in real time.

But real-time coaching and teaching works. No, if a child has an incident, handing them a coloring book or journal 2 hours after the fact won’t do squat. It’s having the staff present in the moment, observing the child’s emotions change, helping them identify the emotions, label them, give them options, and helping them respond appropriately.

And schools don’t do that.

Consistency is Crucial: Ensure that all adults involved (parents, teachers, caregivers) use the same language, strategies, and responses to reinforce these replacement behaviors consistently.
Positive Reinforcement: Acknowledge and praise the child whenever they use a replacement behavior instead of verbal aggression. This helps reinforce the new, positive behaviors.
Practice Regularly: Practice these replacement behaviors in different settings and situations. Role-playing and rehearsing them when the child is calm will increase their likelihood of success during moments of stress.

By consistently teaching and reinforcing these replacement behaviors, you can help a child with autism or other challenges find more constructive ways to express themselves, reducing the frequency and intensity of verbal aggression over time.

IEP Strategies for Managing Aggressive Behaviors

Functional Behavior Assessment (FBA): Conducting an FBA can help identify the triggers and functions of aggressive behavior. Understanding what precedes the behavior (antecedent) and what follows it (consequence) can guide the development of an effective Behavior Intervention Plan (BIP).
Behavior Intervention Plans (BIPs): These plans are tailored to the individual child and should include positive behavior supports, such as teaching alternative behaviors to aggression, reinforcing positive behavior, and providing clear expectations and routines.
Sensory Accommodations: Modify the environment to reduce sensory overload. This might involve creating a quiet corner, using noise-canceling headphones, or allowing breaks from overstimulating environments.
Communication Supports: Use visual supports, communication devices, or alternative communication methods to help the child express their needs and feelings more effectively, reducing frustration.
Teach Emotional Regulation Skills: Incorporate strategies that help the child recognize and manage their emotions. This could include social stories, emotion cards, deep-breathing exercises, or sensory tools like stress balls.
Consistent Routines and Predictability: Keep daily routines consistent and provide visual schedules to help the child anticipate what will happen next. Prepare them in advance for any changes to the routine.
Positive Reinforcement: Reinforce positive behaviors consistently. Reward systems, like token economies or visual charts, can motivate the child to use appropriate behaviors instead of aggression. (this is once we are sure that the child has all the skills)
Training for Staff and Caregivers: Ensure that everyone involved with the child understands their specific needs, triggers, and the strategies in their BIP. Consistent implementation across settings (home, school, community) is key.
Seek Outside Support: Engage professionals like behavior therapists, occupational therapists, or speech-language pathologists to support with specific interventions tailored to the child’s needs.

Specific IEP Considerations

Parents can advocate for the following in their child’s IEP to address aggressive behaviors:

Behavior Goals: These should be specific, measurable, and aimed at replacing aggressive behavior with positive alternatives.
Sensory Breaks: Regular breaks throughout the day to prevent sensory overload.
Communication Goals: Goals focused on improving expressive and receptive communication skills.
Professional Support Services: Ensure access to a behavior specialist or therapist to support both at school and at home.

Lastly, I want to add a quick paragraph about wrestling. Because a few of you have emailed me to ask about that. When kids are wrestling, if it’s just fun wrestling, I personally may not have a problem with it. I understand how that won’t work in a classroom setting. I also acknowledge how wrestling can get out of hand.

But to me, frequently wanting to wrestle indicates a sensory need to me–whether that’s gross motor movement, resistance, grabbing, feeling someone grab them–it very well might be satisfying a sensory need.

This is why Temple Grandin invented her squeeze machine. She needed that sensory input. That is the avenue I would pursue.

We have many other resources about behavior on this site. It’s a complex topic, so take your time as you dig through it all.

Behavior and IEPs: Tools, Strategies, and Parent Guidance

Behavior IEP Goals and Interventions

Behavior IEP Goals (39 measurable goals including adaptive skills)
Elopement IEP Goals (14 sample goals for autism and other disabilities)
Replacement Behaviors for Hitting and Aggression (6 positive alternatives)

Understanding Behavior Strategies

FBAs, BIPs, and the IEP Process

What Is an FBA in Special Education? Is It Part of an IEP?
A Better Understanding of the 4 Functions of Behavior in Your FBA or Behavior Plan
The Many Flaws of School FBAs and Behavior Plans
Behaviors and Classifications for Black Students with IEPs (Video)
Understanding Restraint or Seclusion in Your Child’s School: What Every Parent Needs to Know