I’ve been catching a lot of flak lately, based on a post I wrote about grieving your child’s disability diagnosis. I expected that.
There’s a popular phrase floating around these days: disability is a gift. And, well, as a mom and advocate for disabled kids, this phrase makes me feel… like rolling my eyes. Sure, I get it. It’s meant to be uplifting, and who doesn’t want to find a silver lining? But, is calling a disability a gift helpful or dismissive?
Let’s talk about it.
The Gift Perspective
Many people in the disability community have embraced the idea that their unique ways of navigating the world bring strengths, not just challenges. For some, this shift in thinking is empowering. It reframes disability from something “wrong” that needs to be “fixed” to something valuable that enriches their lives and the lives of others.
Take neurodivergent individuals, like those with autism or ADHD. Some credit their disability with providing them with exceptional attention to detail, creativity, or the ability to think outside the box. In a world that thrives on innovation, these unique perspectives can be huge assets. Steve Jobs had dyslexia. So did Albert Einstein. People love to throw these names out to show that hey, maybe disability is a superpower.
For families, the “gift” perspective can also provide some comfort. When your child is struggling, seeing their disability as something that makes them unique, and not less-than, can help with acceptance. It encourages focusing on a child’s strengths, rather than fixating on deficits.
I mean, let’s face it, the school system is built around telling us everything our kids can’t do. So, flipping that narrative can be a survival mechanism.
But Is It Really a Gift?
Now, let’s take a breath here, because calling disability a “gift” can also feel dismissive, especially to those who face daily barriers because of it. For some parents, particularly those dealing with severe disabilities, saying “this is a gift” is like saying, “Sure, your kid can’t walk, talk, or communicate, but hey, look on the bright side!”
Really? That’s not exactly helpful.
For as long as I live, I don’t think I will ever view 50 seizures a day as a gift.
While it’s true that some disabilities come with unique strengths, the daily struggle, isolation, and exhaustion shouldn’t be minimized. Think of parents trying to get schools to follow their child’s IEPs, only to be stonewalled or gaslit by school staff (oh, don’t even get me started on that!). For many parents, their child’s disability means endless battles for services, sleepless nights worrying about the future, and constant advocacy just to make sure their child’s basic needs are met.
Even for individuals with less visible disabilities, the world isn’t exactly designed for them. Sure, someone with ADHD might be brilliant at multitasking, but they also may struggle with basic executive functioning skills like remembering to pay a bill on time or staying organized at work.
These day-to-day challenges are real, and calling them a “gift” can feel dismissive of the very real support and accommodations they need.
The Balance: Both Can Be True
Here’s where I land on this: disability is what you make of it, but that doesn’t mean the challenges disappear.
Being an advocate is an amazing job and I love what I do. I wake up every day full of passion and enthusiasm for this. If not for Kevin, I never would have become a special education advocate . I have an amazing circle of friends due to this career choice. Being Kevin’s mom is what led me down this path.
But, he has 50+ seizures a day. We have a very poor quality of life due to his seizures. His expected life span is much shorter than normal. And, he’s actually suffering some days. For him, his disabilities aren’t just “a different way of thinking!” as some NDs like to browbeat us with. For him, it’s absolutely debilitating sometimes.
Yes, some people may see their disability as a gift, a source of pride and identity. And that’s a valid and empowering perspective. We should definitely celebrate a child’s strengths that can come from thinking and moving through the world differently. But we also need to be mindful that for others, disability can mean chronic pain, exhaustion, and a constant fight for accommodations.
The truth is, disability is nuanced. It’s not black and white, and it shouldn’t be reduced to a “gift” or a “curse.” It’s more like… a mixed bag, and everyone’s experience is different. Some days, your kid might dazzle you with their incredible creativity or insight, and other days, you might find yourself crying in the bathroom because you just don’t know how to get the school to actually read the IEP. Both realities are valid.
Can disability be a gift to some people?
Moving Forward: Let’s Focus on Empathy
So where does this leave us? How about we focus less on labeling disability as a gift or a tragedy, and instead, just focus on supporting each individual where they are? Some people find power and pride in their disability, while others just want their struggles acknowledged without the shiny bow.
As parents and advocates, our job is to ensure that our kids have the tools, accommodations, and support to live their best lives—whether they see their disability as a gift or just part of their reality. And for the love of all things good, let’s not forget that these kids deserve a fair shot, whether their “superpower” is being the next Einstein or just surviving the school year without another meltdown.
So, is disability a gift? It can be. It also doesn’t have to be. It’s time we ditch the one-size-fits-all label and meet people where they are. Maybe then we can start shifting the conversation toward something more helpful—like making the world more accessible and inclusive, so that every kid (and adult) can thrive, no matter how they get there.
