10 Things Autism Parents Say and Do That Hurt Autistic People, Even If They Mean Well

Parents of autistic kids say a lot of harmful things to autistic people, then wonder why the autistic community is hostile towards them. While this isn’t every parent of an autistic child, it’s enough to make a difference. It’s the majority. Autistic people even struggle to share their perspectives on social media because autism parents report content they disagree with or don’t like.

This is a reality for many autistic people, even if you don’t want to admit it. Here are some harmful things autism parents say to autistic people — and why they’re harmful.

1. “You’re not like my child.”

This statement comes from a protective standpoint, in an attempt to say that your child is unique and has different abilities than another autistic person. It’s usually meant to emphasis the saying that each autistic person is one autistic person of many.

The quote is, “If you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person.”

It’s by John Elder Robinson, and he has been misquoted by a certain autism organization that doesn’t even credit him. Their version if, “If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.”

John Elder Robinson is autistic, and this kind of thing happens to autistic people often.

The thing is…autistic teens and adults are like your child. Even if you mean well when you say they’re not, you are insulting your child or the other autistic person by saying they’re less than or better, depending on how you perceive the autistic person.

Autistic people are like your child, in that they have varying support needs and abilities. They were children once, too, and whatever you think their childhood may have been like might be extremely wrong. When you see an autistic person you think is capable of more than your autistic child will ever be, you are dismissing your own child’s potential based on how you experience their autism and all the stereotypes.

The best role models for your autistic child are actually autistic people. They know what it’s like to be autistic children, experience life as an autistic, and have the vocabulary to articulate it.

When autistic people tell you that you’re doing something to harm your autistic child, it’s not to prove you wrong or put you down. They’re not trying to one-up you. Rather, autistic people are trying to help you prevent doing further harm. There is no malicious intent; it’s only a collaborative effort to help you raise an autistic child that doesn’t experience the same trauma they themselves have.

“You’re nothing like my child.”

This is also harmful and is often from comparing how you experience your child’s autism to how you perceive someone else’s autism.

Perhaps an autistic adult is explaining how your behavior is ableist and your autistic child would never because they’re “kinder and compassionate”. In this case, you are perceiving the autistic adult as hostile for simply trying to explain your behavior to you and it’s causing cognitive dissonance. The knee-jerk response from your brain is self-defense and deflection.

Another time you might say or think this is because you perceive your child as “more” autistic and another autistic person as “less” autistic. The autism spectrum is like the color wheel, not the light spectrum. No one is any “more” or “less” autistic; they just experience and express their autism differently. Many autistic adults also mask their autism, because they learned at a young age that they needed to suppress their autistic traits to receive love and feel safe.

Asking diagnosed autistic adults for legitimacy

Non-autistic people, parents or not, feel entitled to testing autistic adults for the legitimacy of their diagnosis. This is extremely problematic and ableist because

1. Diagnosis is protected by HIPAA. It’s none of your business.
2. Even if you are a licensed professional who can diagnose autism, they are NOT your patient.
3. Autism assessment types vary, and most often the assessment itself is the assessment.

Some autistic people have been diagnosed with autism simply based on how they interact with the assessment questionnaires — asking questions, especially for further context or specific situations, during autism assessments has become an inside joke within the autistic community because it annoyed the administrators.

What’s more, autism assessments use questionnaires you can easily find online and involve interviewing the autistic person.

Whether their diagnosis is real is not a question you should be asking in attempt to discredit their experience — especially if YOU are not autistic yourself. Most self-diagnosed autistic adults are eventually diagnosed with autism, and diagnosis does not change the fact that they’ve been autistic their whole lives.

2. Comparing autistic people to non-autistic people

Comparing children affects their mental health and emotional well-being. Autistic children’s success is often compared to that of their non-autistic peers, based on how the people around them experience their autism.

Autistic children should not be held to the same standard as non-autistic people. They should be held to their own standards. Autistic people cannot meet non-autistic people halfway, because both parties are working with extremely different energy levels and abilities.

3. “Your autism does not define you.”

Autism dictates how an autistic person will behave. Many autistic people feel their autism cannot be separated from themselves without taking away key parts of who they are.

Telling autistic people their autism doesn’t define them, or that they’re more than their autism, communicates how much you dislike autism.

Autism is not cancer or an illness. It’s not a disease; it’s just how some people’s brains works.

4. Mourning autistic people

Again, autism isn’t cancer, an illness or a disease. WHY are you mourning for autistic people? Why are you trying to pray autism away?

Autism is NOT BAD. There are many beautiful aspects of autism. Most negative aspects of autism are a result of systemic ableism.

5. Associating autism with intellectual disabilities

If you think autism has a particular look, if you associate autism with specific images — you are probably associating autism with intellectual disabilities. Many parents of autistic people with intellectual disabilities dominated the autism narrative for so long that that became the default image people think of.

However, most autistic people do not have intellectual disabilities or deformities. Only about a third of the autistic population also has intellectual disabilities. Moreover, the deformities people associate with autism are most often a result of autistic boys who have a form of muscular dystrophy.

This association is so commonplace because the parents of these kids post videos on the internet of how difficult their lives are because look at the children they have. That’s the narrative they tell.

It doesn’t help that you have books like “To Siri With Love”, where autism moms are so open about wanting to sterilize their autistic kids as soon as they turn 18 by fighting for power of attorney, because of their ableist beliefs about what their children are and aren’t capable of.

6. “My autistic child prefers person-first language.”

Person-first language is when you put the person before the disability or diagnosis, e.g. “person with autism”. Many autistic people advocate for identity-first language, which puts the identity before the disability or diagnosis (e.g. “autistic person” or simply “autistic”).

Well-meaning parents of autistic children often choose person-first language because it’s used by doctors and in professional spaces. Once their children are old enough to comprehend the difference between the two language types, they are already used to the one their parents use. Saying your autistic child prefers PFL when it’s just what they’re accustomed to isn’t accurate — it’s just what they’re used to.

Autistic children tend to switch over to IFL once they fully comprehend the difference, meaning your child might prefer to be referred to as an “autistic child” rather than a “child with autism”.

Discounting your autistic child’s ability to comprehend language or what you are saying when you skirt around their disability prevents you from providing them with the vocabulary they need to express themselves and their experience. Don’t compare them to non-autistic people, but don’t dismiss their potential based on stereotypes.

Also, even if an autistic person you know prefers PFL, do not impose your language preference onto another autistic person. Ask if you aren’t sure.

7. “You can do anything you put your mind to!”

This saying is so frustrating for autistic people, because it’s not true at all. Autistic burnout proves the mind can want to do something even when the body is physically incapable of it. It’s like telling someone whose legs are paralyzed that they can do a cartwheel if they just put their mind to it.

Even if you mean well when you say it, you are ignoring the internal struggles an autistic person may face as the result of being autistic in a world that wasn’t built with them in mind. Hearing this as an autistic person is frustrating, because it emphasizes the need to measure up to what their non-autistic peers are capable of.

Additionally, this statement removes your own responsibility as their parent, assigning their ability to do “anything” as 100% their own responsibility. It discourages your autistic child or loved one from asking for help when they need it, which is why many autistic people don’t ask for help until they’re drowning.

An equivalent to this phrase is preventing autistic people from having “can’t” in their vocabulary. There are things autistic people can’t do without experiencing severe distress or dissociating, and that is valid. Accept what your autistic child can’t do and work together to accommodate them. If grocery store runs are too stressful, order pickup or delivery. Many autistic adults cannot make meals 100% from scratch and instead order takeout, hire people to meal prep for them, or instead buy microwave meals and meal kits.

8. Being shocked by their accomplishments or abilities

Autism parents…stopped being so shocked when you find out autistic people are married. Unlearn your ableism so you stop being shocked when your autistic child dresses themselves. That’s not shocking.

What’s shocking is when autistic employees are promoted to managerial roles, because that rarely happens. And when it does happen, the company uses it as an example of what autistic people can do “if they put their minds to it” and/or how accepting of autistic employees the company is…which is harmful, by the way.

Celebrate their wins without being shocked. That said, don’t say “I knew you could do it!” if you pressured them to do something or didn’t help them as much as they requested when they struggled. Non-autistic people may feel empowered; autistic people feel as though you only express love when they meet your expectations.

9. “Calm down”

Autistic people are often told to calm down when they

• have a meltdown
• express joy
• stim

This teaches autistic people that

• their needs are inconvenient, burdensome and annoying
• their happiness isn’t important
• expressing happiness is only okay to do if other people are comfortable

This can lead to autistic people

• internalizing their pain
• ignoring their needs
• realizing you’re not a safe person/space
• hiding their discomfort and mistakes from you
• isolating themselves

Nothing turns a smile into a frown faster than a non-autistic caregiver telling an excited autistic child to “calm down”. This teaches autistic children that their joy and way of expressing themselves is bad.

Moreover, telling autistic kids to calm down when they’re melting down is like pouring salt in the wound. It would be better if you walked away and left your autistic child feeling like the weight of the world is on their shoulders. Obviously, forcing autistic children to cope with their meltdowns themselves instead of offering comfort isn’t good, either — it’s just better than growing the inner critic in their head that will haunt them for the rest of their lives.

10. Forcing autistics to make eye contact with you

Many non-autistic and neurotypical people need eye contact in order to feel love and experience distress when someone doesn’t make eye contact. In turn, they respond with anger, frustration or panic and struggle to make sense of the situation.

On the other hand, many autistic people experience distress and high levels of stress when forcing themselves to make eye contact. This distress affects them so much that they won’t be able to focus on what is being said to them.

Consequently, non-autistic people perceive autistic people as liars due to a lack of eye contact. The entire situation is miscommunication at best and damages the ability to bond at worst. More often than not, there is no ability to recover because the non-autistic person wants eye contact while the autistic person can’t communicate well.

Note: This first-person essay is the one that generates the most email. So, please don’t. I am aware of all of the discussion and chatter online regarding this post and this topic. However, while I disagree, or feel misunderstood as an autism parent myself, on some of the issues, I chose to still publish this. I did not feel it was good practice on my part, to agree to publish the article then not publish it when I didn’t agree with it. The whole goal of this project is to open up communication. The comments are open on this post if you wish to leave a comment. All comments must be approved to prevent spam.