Why Saying “Thank You” Isn’t Always Easy for Autistic People: 3 Things to Know

Your autistic child doesn’t say thank you. Are they ungrateful?

No — they’re autistic!

Saying “Thank You” is a social rule

For many non-autistic people, thanking others is as default a thing to do as is apologizing for every little thing. It’s instinctive and automatic, hard to break. It’s like asking, “How are you?” as a rhetorical question meant to be equivalent to saying hello and not comprehending how mindless it is from an autistic perspective.

Autistic people often struggle with social rules. They are also less likely to engage in social constructs mindlessly, without much thought other than “because that’s what you do”. Autistic people also ask “why” questions a lot.

The expectation of saying “thank you” is a big of a rigid social convention, focusing more on someone’s words than their actions. Words are just words. Actions speak louder than words. Someone can thank you for doing them a favor repeatedly and still take advantage of you; they’re grateful for how much of a pushover you are.

Autistic people who excel in pattern recognition recognize the patterns associated with gratefulness behavior. They’re also less likely to fall for the gratitude trap (and more likely to be perceived as ungrateful due to this cognitive distortion).

Autistics might express their gratitude in other ways

There are more ways to thank someone than saying it outright. The neurotypical and/or Hearing population tends to rely so heavily on hearing other people speak and their specific voice. They’re also keen to assume context based on “clues” that they interpret based on their own cognitive biases…I’m not sure if this is hugely a neurotypical behavior or if it’s more inline with Hearing people.

Remember the love languages of neurodivergent people? Autistic people might show their thankfulness in ways other than speaking. They might not understand that they should say thank-you blatantly. Again, it’s a social rule.

An autistic person might instead choose to show their gratitude by buying or cooking for you a meal. An autistic child might create a card. Instead of saying “thank you” outright, an autistic person might instead send you a card.

Instead of saying, “Thank you,” autistic people might convey their appreciate through actions, artwork or non-speaking behaviors (like hugging or smiling). The absence of verbal thanks doesn’t mean a lack of gratitude.

Some autistics struggle with knowing when they’ve said or done something enough (like thanking people) or be wary of going overboard. Some may never say it or just not know when to say it; they might want to thank you privately, but forget later because there ares o many people or the moment was missed.

They’ve already thanked you for the same thing or something similar

Repeating social scripts often feels redundant and pointless. The “words of affirmation” love language is not everyone’s love language, and autistic people might struggle with giving words of affirmation but find some solace in receiving them, depending on their childhood experiences.

While society loves saying that autistics love routine, repetition starts to feel mundane and monotonous. Oftentimes, the autistic logic is essentially,

“I’ve already thanked you for X, and my feelings haven’t changed. So why should I thank you for it again?”

and,

“If my opinion/feelings change about X, I’ll let you know then.”

So if they’ve already thanked you for something you did for them in the past, then they’ve expressed their gratitude. If they’ve already thanked you for taking them to and from work (“Thank you for taking me to and from work!” or similar) on a regular basis, not thanking you thereafter doesn’t mean they’ve “lost” their gratitude. It just means that they have expressed their appreciation already.

Some autistics might even feel the same way about saying “I love you”. You might not hear it from your autistic child often if they prefer to express their love for you in different ways (especially non-speaking methods).

This is one of those double empathy problem situations wherein the non-autistic/neurotypical means of communicating based on reading between the lines and the autistic person’s literal context communication simply do not add up.

The social nuances that dictate repeated verbal agreement are essentially words of affirmation.

Autistic children, teens and adults are not purposely being manipulative or attempting to come across as ungrateful anymore than non-autistic people are. Understanding the reasons autistic people might not thank you in conventional ways is critical towards empathizing with them.

Over time, autistic people may reciprocate gratitude with words of affirmation, but don’t hold your breath waiting for it. There’s no need to chase confirmation for their thankfulness when they express it in other ways. Learn how to recognize those ways, as opposed to punishing them for how their brain works.

And thank them, too — they might just wind up saying it more regularly if their caregivers say it to them!