Glass Children: The Challenges Faced by Well-Behaved Kids with Disabled Siblings

My kids are about 2-and-a-half years apart in age. My youngest is my non-disabled child. He’s creative, smart, funny, and athletic – an all-around “good kid.” But as the teenage years approached, I was not experiencing any of the same frustrations that my mom-friends were.

I began to wonder… is there such a thing as being too good? Turns out, there is. Enter the phenomenon of “glass children.”

I started to wonder. He’s a good kid. But is there a point when he’s a little “too good.” Turns out, there is. And the phenomenon is called Glass Children.

Glass Children

Before anyone comes for me with accusations of ableism, let me be clear: I’m not blaming my disabled child. The problem is not him – it’s the lack of systems around him that forces parents like me to constantly pick up the slack. And in doing so, we sometimes miss what’s happening with our non-disabled kids.

For example, while we’re always conscious of addressing Kevin’s needs during a seizure or after a surgery, are we giving the same attention to his brother, Brian? Are we checking in on how he’s feeling, seeing his sibling go through all of this?

Additionally, he has challenges that other kids do not have. I know how stressful it is for me, as an adult, to watch Kevin struggle and have so many seizures and endure multiple brain surgeries. We often consciously think to address Kevin during all of this and comfort him. But, are the siblings receiving the same amount of supports?

Imagine what it’s like for a child to be witnessing this.

And as a family, we don’t usually have the option to protect him from most incidents. A seizure happens when it’s going to happen….and the timing is rarely convenient or private.

Glass Children Definition

So, What Are Glass Children?

Glass children are the non-disabled siblings who often get overlooked in the chaos of caregiving. The term came to light through a Norwegian author, Jostein Gaarder, in his novel The Solitaire Mystery. It’s about kids who grow up in the shadow of grief or emotional struggles, like glass – fragile, and often unnoticed.

In the context of siblings with disabilities, “glass” describes how these kids feel: seen right through, like they’re almost invisible. All the focus is on their sibling’s needs, and they get stuck in the background, trying not to add to the chaos.

And it’s not just about disability. Any situation that demands a lot of parental attention – divorce, addiction, trauma – can create a “glass child” who learns early on to be the “good one” who doesn’t make waves.

In reference to non-disabled children with disabled peers, the “glass” concept comes from many of the children expressing that they do not feel seen. They feel as if someone (parents, caregivers) are looking right through them, like glass.

The concept has been discussed in the context of how parental issues or emotional turmoil can affect the well-being of their children, making them feel delicate and vulnerable, like glass. While Gaarder popularized the term, it is possible that others may have used similar metaphors or concepts before him, but his novel is well-known for bringing the idea to a wider audience.

Another type of child that often goes unnoticed is the overly well-behaved child. These children are often praised for their good behavior, but their perfectionism can be a sign of anxiety, stress, or a need for control.

They may feel pressure to be perfect and fear making mistakes, which can lead to a lack of spontaneity and creativity. I see this with my son’s basketball performance. He’s afraid to take risks on the court and always plays it safe.

Children with disabled siblings face unique challenges that can affect their emotional and social development. They may feel responsible for their sibling’s care or feel guilty for being healthy and able-bodied.

Understanding Glass Children

Living with a Glass Child – My Story

My younger son, Brian, plays a lot of basketball. With Kevin’s health challenges, we often “divide and conquer” – one of us takes Brian to games, while the other stays home with Kevin. Getting a sitter for Kevin is never simple; he requires a nurse.

So, we’ve heard it more than once: “Oh, we thought you were divorced, because we never see you together.” Sure, we laugh it off, but what impact does that have on Brian? He’s never had both parents cheering him on at a game. Kevin’s attended a few but we often leave early because it’s too overwhelming for him. And that makes Brian wonder: why isn’t Kevin there, why don’t I get the same attention?

Brian often hides his own feelings because he doesn’t want to add to the stress. He’s overly behaved, always polite, and follows the rules to a T. But is he holding back what he really feels? Is he scared of making mistakes or taking risks – like on the basketball court?

But there’s a second part, too. The “fragile” part. These kids can end up carrying a lot of emotional weight. Maybe they feel they have to be the “good one” or the “easy one,” and they start to hide their own needs or emotions to keep from adding more stress to an already stressful situation. Over time, they might even feel like they’re going to shatter, just like a piece of glass under too much pressure.

The thing is, our glass kids are not okay being just the “strong ones” all the time. They have feelings and needs, too. And the best thing we can do is acknowledge them and make sure we see them for all that they are – beyond the “glass.”

So, if you’re thinking, “Oh crap, that’s my family,” don’t worry – it’s never too late to check in with your other kids and ask them how they’re really doing.

But it’s completely normal to wish that your brother could go shoot hoops with you in the backyard. That doesn’t make any of us ableist, nor does it mean we do not accept Kevin for who he is.

It is important for parents and caregivers to recognize the needs of glass children and provide them with support. This can include setting aside one-on-one time with them, acknowledging their achievements and struggles, and involving them in their sibling’s care. That doesn’t mean making them responsible, but explaining why things are the way they are.

The Psychological Toll on Glass Children

Being a glass child can take a real toll on a kid’s mental health. They grow up believing that their needs and feelings don’t matter as much, or worse, that they’re a burden. Anxiety and depression often follow, along with a constant need to people-please.

They may feel guilty for not having a disability themselves or for the resentment they sometimes feel toward their sibling. Brian has expressed wishing that Kevin could play basketball with him. It’s completely normal to wish for that. It doesn’t make us ableist; it just makes us human.

How Does Being a Glass Child Affect Them Psychologically?

Oh boy, where do I start? Being a glass child can take a serious toll on a kid’s mental and emotional well-being. When you’re constantly the “good kid,” the one who’s always putting everyone else first, you start to believe that your needs and feelings don’t matter. Or worse, that they’re a burden.

Psychologically, this can lead to a whole host of issues. Anxiety, for starters – because they’ve been trained to scan the room and figure out how to avoid adding any stress to the family. They might always be on high alert, waiting for the next crisis, making sure they don’t rock the boat.

Depression isn’t far behind, either. When you feel like you always have to put on a brave face or when you’re scared to speak up because your problems seem “small” compared to your sibling’s, it’s easy to feel lonely and isolated.

And let’s not forget the classic: people-pleasing. Glass children can grow up feeling like they need to make everyone around them happy at the expense of their own happiness. They might struggle with setting boundaries or saying “no” because they’ve spent years learning that the way to get love or attention is by being the “easy one.”

This can stick with them well into adulthood, affecting their relationships, their self-esteem, and even their careers. It’s like they have this little voice in the back of their head saying, “Don’t be too much. Don’t ask for too much.” And let’s be real – that’s a tough voice to shake.

This can lead to a lack of self-confidence and a fear of taking risks or making mistakes. I see this over and over again with Brian on the basketball court and in his social life. He’s afraid of being rejected, so he never puts himself out there.

Children with Disabled Siblings

As I read more and more about this, I see that we definitely fit the pattern.

Brian is a Straight-A student and has been forever. He very rarely talks back. He does what he is told, or what is asked of him.

He is a great basketball player and shooter. He has a great mind for basketball and reads the game and the other players well.

But, he’s been repeatedly told by coaches that he’s not aggressive enough. He doesn’t take enough risks on the court.

How Do We Support Our Glass Children?

So, how do we help our glass kids feel seen and supported?

• Open Communication: Create a safe space for them to share how they’re feeling. I do this with Brian in the car on the way to and from basketball games – it’s our time to check in.
• Individual Attention: Make sure they get some one-on-one time. I recently took Brian and a friend to a waterpark for a few days. Kevin gets his trips too, like to Sesame Place, but these are separate times to focus on just them.
• Educate and Include: Help them understand their sibling’s disability. It’s not about making them a caregiver, but explaining why things are the way they are.
• Encourage Self-Care: Help them find their own outlets for stress and joy – hobbies, sports, friends.

Support and Resources for Glass Children

Glass children face unique challenges that can be difficult to navigate alone. Fortunately, there are many resources available to help support these children and their families.

One of the most effective ways to support glass children is to seek professional help. This can include therapy, counseling, or other forms of mental health support. A mental health professional can help glass children process their emotions and develop coping strategies for dealing with the challenges of having a disabled sibling.

It’s important to find a mental health professional who has experience working with glass children and their families.

Some resources for finding a qualified therapist include:

• The American Psychological Association’s Psychologist Locator
• The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Helpline
• Local hospitals or clinics that offer mental health services for kids

Community Support

In addition to professional help, glass children and their families can benefit from community support. This can include support groups, online forums, and other resources that allow glass children to connect with others who are going through similar experiences.

Some resources for finding community support include:

• The Sibling Support Project, which offers resources and support for siblings of individuals with disabilities
• Local disability advocacy groups, which may offer support groups or other resources for families
• Online forums and social media groups, which can provide a safe space for glass children to connect with others and share their experiences

Additionally, it is important for society as a whole to recognize the struggles of glass children and work towards creating a more inclusive and supportive environment for all individuals with disabilities and their families.

This can include advocating for better resources and support for families with disabled children, promoting awareness and education around disability issues, and working to reduce the stigma and discrimination faced by individuals with disabilities and their families.

By taking these steps, we can help ensure that glass children receive the care and attention they need to thrive and succeed, both now and in the future.

Being a glass child isn’t easy, and as parents, we may not always get it right. But recognizing the struggle is the first step. Let’s work together to make sure our glass kids feel seen, heard, and supported. Because they deserve more than just being “good kids” – they deserve to be themselves.