10 Things Autistic People Say, and What They’re Really Telling You

If you read between the lines, understanding what autistic people are saying is difficult because they often use literal context. Here are 10 phrases autistic people often say and what exactly they mean.

1. “Can you be more specific?”

Asking for clarification is often perceived as “rude” or “annoying” by non-autistic people, to the point that they might outwardly express their anger. However, autistic people aren’t asking you to explain yourself again because they “didn’t listen”. They’re asking you to explain again because they genuinely don’t understand.

This does NOT mean they’re incapable of understanding you! It just means they’re looking for more instructions, better explanations or even to confirm they understood you correctly to avoid doing the opposite.

Non-autistic people often give several instructions at once and/or make their instructions confusing. No one can read your mind, so be as specific as possible. “Common sense” is not actually common; the curse of knowledge causes you to forget what your life was like before you knew something, so now you can’t imagine a life not knowing about it.

2. “It’s too bright/noisy/loud.”

When autistic people say this, they’re communicating their sensory needs. “Bright” doesn’t necessarily mean lighting; it can mean colors or refer to aesthetic. Same with “noisy” and “loud”, which can refer to colors, aesthetic, lighting or even textures in addition to sound.

If the autistic person is overwhelmed, they might struggle to explain what exactly is causing sensory overload.

3. “I like being alone sometimes.”

This doesn’t mean they’re depressed or feeling depressed, even if isolation is a depression symptom. Pushing the autistic person to explain why they enjoy being alone or trying to force them to be around people more often, however, can encourage depression to develop.

Don’t jump to conclusions if you find them sitting in their room in the dark often, either.

4. “I’m feeling overwhelmed.”

They are literally feeling overwhelmed. Do they have a lot of responsibilities? These can feel like weights on your shoulders that you alone are responsible for, as you’re in the middle of the sea trying to stay above water; only when someone offers to take a few off your plate or help you reduce those responsibilities do you realize that you’re actually in a pool and can touch the floor…it’s such a relief.

Autistic people may also feel overwhelmed if asked several questions. Struggling with ambiguity is a common characteristic among autistic adults.

5. “Can we talk about something else?”

The topic currently being discussed is stirring up negative feelings or building up to a meltdown/shutdown. They may prefer to discuss the topic in a different way or later. Or, they’re just not interested in the topic.

6. “I don’t have goals.” or “I don’t like creating goals.”

Many non-autistic people focus heavily on goals. Autistic people tend to get hung up on goals because executive functioning is required to do everything related to achieving those goals. Non-autistic people like talking about their goals in full, figuring out the plan and chatting about how great achieving the goal will be.

Many autistic people struggle with goals-based direction, especially since they’re often motivated by their special interests.

7. “I don’t want to” or “I don’t like to”

Before I knew how to exert my boundaries and communicate my needs more clearly, I said I didn’t “want” or “like” to.

Many autistic people do this. It’s a way of saying NO. It should not be discounted just because we don’t say “no” in a way that feels appropriate or acceptable to you.

Adults frequently say they don’t want or like doing things, autistic or not, and then don’t do them. Why do we expect children to do those things anyways? Autistic people often need more autonomy in order to feel safe in their lives; this doesn’t mean they have “control issues” or “manipulative behaviors” — needing to feel like one has control over their life is a common human need; another term for this is “security” or “predictability”.

In non-autistic speak, doing things you don’t want to do or only doing what you want to do is [ask an allistic how they perceive this].

Autistic people generally don’t think that way unless they have a lot of internalized ableism. Laziness is a lie, rooted in Puritans viewing disabled people as cursed by God.

“I don’t want to” can be their way of communicating exhaustion, hopelessness, overwhelm — literally anything and everything beyond “laziness”.

• “I don’t want to go to school today” might mean they just need a mental health day.
• “I don’t want to do this specific work thing today” could mean that they don’t have the energy for it/feel uncomfortable about it for some reason/don’t have the brain capabilities for it/etc.

Conversely, “Can I do what I want to do now?” doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want to do what they need to do. I often asked this when I worked in retail until a supervisor helped me communicate my intentions better towards the allistics around me. Instead of asking, “Can I go back to doing whatever I want now?” I learned how to ask if I could do specific tasks after completing assignments.

Still, my brain glitches sometimes and I ask this question or say “I don’t want to” anyways.

8. “I don’t like surprises.”

No surprises parties, ever, unless they ask for one. Even then, be cautious about it and consider a non-surprise surprise party where they know about the surprise party.

If receiving gifts gives them anxiety, run their gifts past them first or only give gift cards so they can buy what they want instead. This isn’t how neurotypical gift-giving works, but it is how some autistic people prefer to receive gifts.

Many autistic people prepare scripts beforehand or rely on previously used scripts to manage their facial expressions and behavior. Scripting helps them feel safe. Surprises completely disrupt the script altogether.

9. “I like to have a plan.”

Plans and goals are two completely different things. A goal typically regards achieving something. Plans are a lot like scripts, helping autistic people know exactly what to do.

In order to create plans, autistic people might ask you several questions or map out their grocery shopping route in the grocery store, right down to the order in which they buy their groceries. They might ask for their schedule that day, whether at school or at work.

They might even ask how long they will be at a family gathering until they can go home, when and what food will be served, how many bathrooms there are, who all might be there/how many people there will be, and what the layout looks like. If you don’t know the answer, say, “I don’t know.” They will either accept that answer or ask if you can ask someone who does.

10. “Can you give me a moment?”

They need a moment. It could be a few minutes, hours or days. Some things require weeks to think about. Needing a moment is not an insult unto you.

In the event of impending meltdowns or shutdowns, autistic people might need to completely step away even after taking a moment.

This question is non-negotiable. That’s not coming from a need to control a situation or you; it’s because they are not accustomed to expressing their boundaries and are more used to having to ask for permission to do things.

Autistic people aren’t trying to be manipulative; they’re just communicating their needs in the ways they best know how.