I drank wine last night. I blame Sam Hunt.
No, just kidding. Actually I can’t stand Sam Hunt and I take responsibility for my own actions and decisions….
But here’s how it went down.
Lindsay and I have been blogging about how we’re not drinking anymore. I haven’t had a drink in weeks. I’m not keeping count, I don’t like doing that…it’s always one part of AA that has not appealed to me. But I digress.
Lindsay had these long standing plans to see Sam Hunt with a bunch of friends. They hired a driver, so no driving. Kids all home with their dads. But, Lindsay was nearing the end of her 30-day challenge of not drinking, what should she do?
We discussed it, and honestly, I said, “Go ahead.”
Because here is my thinking.
What I’m mostly against, for myself…is drinking when I’m supposed to be “momming.” As part of our family unit, I agreed to be the mom, the person in charge. And, when I have wine every day at the dinner hour, it’s almost like every day I’m asking to leave work early, because nothing gets done around the house except for the basics when I have wine.
But….we all need to unwind and relax. Whether that is working out or reading or whatever, everyone needs down time.
And last night, I had down time. I had done plenty of chores and mounds of laundry. Dinner was over and cleaned up. Kids were in their PJs. Dogs were fed and walked. I really had nothing left to do except relax.
So when Dan said, “I’m going to go make a beer run, I feel like having a beer,” I said, “Pick me up something.”
And he did.
I mean, isn’t this exactly the time when a person is supposed to drink? When you have nothing else to do but unwind on a Saturday night? I shouldn’t be drinking in the evenings when I’m supposed to be cooking and cleaning and checking homework….but at 8pm on a Saturday night when I have nothing else to do? Why not?
That was why I told Lindsay that she should drink if she really wanted to. She didn’t have her kids with her, she was at a concert and didn’t have to drive. Normal people drink during times like these and don’t have a problem with it–and as long as we didn’t fall back into our old patterns, there’s nothing wrong with drinking at a concert. (long run on sentence, I know)
I had a little less than 2 glasses of Sauvignon Blanc. Meh. I don’t have a headache or hangover.
But here’s the thing–it didn’t relax me at all. You would think that after not drinking for a few weeks that it would affect me more. It’s almost like when I was pregnant and had this weird aversion to orange juice. It had that same taste even though it was a brand I have had before.
As I said to Lindsay this morning, “I didn’t enjoy it at all. It was almost as if I was forcing it down just because I gave myself permission to drink.”
And that’s it. I drank, I didn’t enjoy it and I beat myself up all morning about it. Right now I’m debating pouring out the rest of the bottle or looking for a recipe that calls for white wine so that it doesn’t go to waste. And this is exactly why I don’t like the concept of counting days without a drink. I can only imagine how defeating it feels for a person who is an alcoholic to rack up a bunch of days and then have to start over. I honestly had not counted or marked the calendar or anything–I just know it has been a few weeks.
I’m not starting over. It’s just a different day and I am not going to drink. I’m enjoying who I am when I don’t drink, nothing more nothing less.
And I’m just posting this because…well, just because the response to the first post was overwhelming–there are a lot of you on this same journey or contemplating starting this journey. I just wanted to be honest.