Since last week’s massacre in Newtown, CT, I have taken several phone calls from concerned parents. All the Moms who have called me have expressed concern about what the fallout would be, seeing as the regular media and social media were quick to point the finger at Aspergers. My thoughts to them then are the same as they are now–we’ve experienced a setback as far as public opinion of autism and Aspergers, and we’ll just keep pushing on, breaking down those stereotypes. Not much else we can do.
But now that more time has passed, my concern for the possible fallout for the autism community is waning, but one area of concern is growing. Because I feel like I am witnessing the biggest spectacle of “Blame the Mother” that I’ll ever see in my lifetime.
There were 20 school children, 6 school personnel. Everything you see is “26.” The bell tolled 26 times when the moment of silence happened one week later. The international do-gooder phenomena is being called #26Acts. 26. 26. 26. That’s the number you see.
But Nancy Lanza was killed, she would make 27. Seeing as it appears she was sound asleep in her bed when she was killed, how is she not also a victim? Is it that one phrase about her in the papers that we keep seeing–how she lived the “gun lifestyle?” Who even knows what the gun lifestyle is? Do I believe she had any reason to own the amount of weapons that she did? Hell no. But not one piece was illegal. So if you’re angry at her for that, let’s start talking about misdirected anger. But we also don’t even know the credibility of the person that said it, let alone their relationship to Ms. Lanza. I was very saddened to read that only about two dozen people attended her funeral (though it may have been done that way on the family’s request, I don’t know). Did she really not have any friends or family, or are people distancing themselves from her, even in her death? Either answer is very sad.
Do I think she had any business owning those weapons, in a household with her son? Isn’t hindsight always 20/20? Do we all really believe that Nancy Lanza threw caution to the wind, and owned them anyway, if she had any hint that what happened might happen? I don’t think so. Is it unreasonable to have a mother who didn’t believe her son was a mass murderer? Did she see signs and ignore them? We’ll never know. But I would think she’s at least reasonable enough, that had she seen this coming she would have done something to prevent it.
Do we feel that she owes us a responsibility to predict the future? Should she have known? Is that why we’re angry–because she didn’t know, didn’t warn us? I haven’t read any smoking gun reports. I’ve read nothing other than the fact that Adam Lanza was a social outcast, and that his Mom was seeking a potential group-home situation for him. I have yet to read that he threatened his mother or anyone else prior to December 14.
It was Kanner, back in 1943 who first wrote that parents were possibly to blame for their children’s autism or schizophrenia. Interestingly, in his report he noted that it was lack of warmth from both mothers and fathers, but it was mothers who took the brunt of the blame. Several years later the term “refrigerator mother” was coined and that was a widely held belief well into the 1970s and 1980s that it was mothers who actually caused autism and schizophrenia and related disorders. But this recent event has me wondering if perhaps these “Refrigerator Mother” concepts hadn’t really dissipated, we just got better at hiding them.
Are we blaming Nancy Lanza…are we mad at her or do we just want to forget about her? Are we afraid we are her? And therefore, if we stick our heads in the sand, distance ourselves from even thinking about her, forget about her…then it won’t happen to us.
By all accounts, except for parenting a child with special needs, she was living the dream. Nice house in a nice neighborhood, with an ex-husband paying her over $280k a year. But wait…why was Peter Lanza so agreeable to paying her so much money, to raise two kids that were pretty much grown? Was it a type of go-away money, so that he didn’t have to deal with Adam? I’ve read reports that Adam did not want to see his brother or his father and both had not seen him in years. A 20-year-old that doesn’t want to talk to his dad–not very unusual. But that makes Nancy Lanza’s world awfully isolating, doesn’t it? If she can’t even talk to her co-parent or her other son, or have them in her home. If she can’t lean on the two closest members of her family, who can she lean on?
Look, you can speculate this out a zillion ways, I’ve just brought up half a dozen or so. But my point is, I find it very sad and tragic that the bulk of society feels that Nancy Lanza is not even worthy of a bell toll or a random act of kindness. While I understand some of the anger and wanting to blame someone, blaming the mother is not the best option. It hurts all mothers. We need to be able to come together, try to understand, try to help other mothers that are also raising a child with these needs. Turning our back on her, and therefore other mothers, does not prevent this from happening, much as we’d like that to happen. We want her to have done something wrong, that way if we don’t do that same act, it can’t and won’t happen to us.
But it doesn’t look like that is what took place here. Other than having the guns at a very easy access for her son, it appears she was just like any other mother. (and while his mother made it easier for him, it appears he was so intelligent that he would have been able to find the guns another way) I’m sad for her, because I think like most mothers–she thought she was doing everything she could. She home-schooled him for a while (not at all uncommon for kids with social issues). She took him to see specialists, she was pursuing a group home setting in another state where they could get a fresh start. She thought she was protecting him by keeping him at home, and seeing what I see from families, can’t say I blame her.
I hope we do get some answers. But I’m not optimistic–we’re not going to get the “if only you do this, this will never happen again.” And that’s why we have to band together. We can’t do just one thing–we have to do everything. New gun laws, better mental health system and on and on. And as mothers, helping each other. It does take a village, and by all accounts it appears that Nancy Lanza stood alone.
You bring up some valid points, Lisa. I for one am an anti-guns person. I see absolutely no reason that any person outside of police officers and officials who are PAID to help keep us safe should have guns. And I think there had to be some serious mental issues she was dealing with to knowingly allow her son to have and use type of weapons. Because any intelligent person knows that there is something wrong with that picture.
But where was the boys DAD in this picture? Sounds like he was out gallavanting in the ‘good life’ and not being a MAN in that family to that boy. So my heart does wring out to her for being the villian in this instance. She really drew the short end of the stick in this story.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Thank you for bringing Nancy Lanza back to the front. She WAS the first victim, and she was shot while in bed asleep. What could she have done that particular day to stop what happened? Are we to expect her to be constantly vigilant? Do we really know all the details?
You’ve brought up lots of points. I had forgotten the news reports that the dad and other brother were living elsewhere and not involved in Adam’s life for quite some time. Why was that?
I love your last paragraph. Yes, it will help to know what happened, and that won’t change the outcome. What we need is lots of changes. Some may happen sooner than others. Some, I’m afraid, won’t change. I witnessed something in an elevator at Target today, and honestly, I think it happened the way it did because the mom involved didn’t see the other person as a PERSON with feelings. Just because she looked and acted a little different.
Someone tweeted this post and I am glad I read it, You stated exactly what I had been thinking about since day one of the shooting . . .. why isn’t Nancy in the list of victims. Not sure where you stand on food/health/gut issues, but I think the mother and Adam was more a victim of the current societal norms in food and the health industry. It’s sad all the way around. Everyone is so quick to want to point the finger that they don’t want to think I might be our culture that is creating these atrocities. Thanks for putting this into words. I have been at a loss over this lately.
I cry for all of the victims. I know this was not something any mother would wish for her child. It is very, very sad.
This entry: it brings out so many truths. We always blame the mother: but who among us with “normal” children can even control those children? Our children are separate from us–we guide, we love, we do our best: but in the end our children’s behavior belongs to them.
On the issue of guns; our entire society is an accomplice in mass murders. We’ve allowed our society to drip in legal weapons. We all carry the burden of blame–guns, lack of services for those with mental illness and a society that is isolating and disconnected are the weapons we’ve created.
Nancy was murdered by her son. Who knows the deal with her gun ownership: it is not my role to judge. But it is all of our roles to learn and build a safe world.
Thank you for this post. Brilliant. Meaningful.
Well said Lisa; great article. Often times in tragedies like this we need someone, something to blame; anything to help us understand how something so horrific could possibly happen. If this is the case and we are looking to blame someone something we need to blame a system which we know is broken and fails young adult with disabilities. A system that every June gives these students a diploma, a handshake and sends them off into the world without any planning or preparation for the future. A system that clearly failed Nancy Lanza leaving her to her own devices. Adam was 20 years old and while I haven’t been following this story intensely I haven’t heard any mention about Adam’s transition for life after high school, not a word. And if you need more reason to blame someone something, ask any mom what her disabled child is doing now that high school is long over? If we need to blame someone something, let’s blame the system which fails these students and their families every June.
As a parent of a kid with behavioral issues I have been judged me by my kid’s behavior I relate to this. I have people who now avoid me because of my kid’s issues. I do everything I can to help my kid. It is overwhelming to fight for him every single day with such fevor but I do. To blame Nancy Lanza is ludicrous, although I don’t think I’d ever have guns in my house. EVER.
If you have an antisocial kid that is obviously disturbed enough to consider a group home setting, WHY OH WHY would you teach him to shoot a gun??? Did it occur to anyone that perhaps dad and brother were staying away because of her and the way she coddled the sicko? Sure they might have stepped up and done something, but they would have had to face her wrath. She wasnt in denial if she home schooled him, wanted to stick him in a home and never discussed him. YES I blame her for having all those guns. If you want to collect guns OK, but who needs an ASSAULT RIFLE?? And why not lock them away in storage to keep them from sicko sonny?
Nancy, I’m glad you commented, because you are exactly the type of reader that I’m hoping will see the other side. Until we can have calm, rational discussions about mental illness, and not refer to people with mental illness as “sickos” even before they’ve done any harm, folks are going to continue to hide and not seek treatment. Thus, just perpetuating the problem. How do you know the weapons weren’t locked up? Why do you think that she coddled him and that is why dad/brother stayed away? This is exactly my point–everyone is assuming the worst about HER, without having any facts to substantiate it. All the weapons she had were perfectly legal and legally owned, so your anger is misdirected. I still stand by my opinion that I think that she wouldn’t have owned them if she had any inkling something dangerous or catastrophic would happen. I think the very fact that he killed her first supports my opinion that she would have stopped him–that’s why he killed her.
Homeschooling or home-cyber-schooling kids with social issues is very, very common. Schools still are not stepping up to the plate and protecting these kids from bullying and other problems, so parents just keep them home. It’s not because she thought he was a danger, it’s probably because she thought he was in danger.
I’m not defending him or his acts in any way, but your comment is indicative of the tone of society, and that’s unfortunate. Why are mothers not given the benefit of the doubt? I think we’re all doing the best we can with what we have, every day.
Thank you for bringing this to light. I have posted this issue on my facebook as well. WHY only 26 when there where clearly 27. Also not knowing what Nancy did with the guns to lock them away or not, I don’t want to think she didn’t. Every mom coddles there kids in one way or another and every mom judges the next for what they think is not enough or to much. Mom is mom and they do what they feel is best for only there child. Seems like she gave him 24/7 of her life and for her son to take her life I’m sadden deeply. He took the life of someone who truly loved him to the end. I also can not understand why she kept those guns in the house with a child with these issues. But someone who knows her well did. Yet not one person is coming forward to who she was as a mom or about her guns. Questions we shall have forever most will go unanswered. But one thing should remain true. There where 27 victims that day and NONE of them should ever be forgotten.
Very well written Lisa and I have wondered over the last weeks why 26, not 27,you are right. Even if she had poor judgment, could have done more, whatever (and I’m not saying she could have – we may never know), she was still murdered. She was still a victim.
Good job, Lisa. My heart went out to Adam’s mother. She was a victim, not only of her son(s), but of her husband, too. Imagine what it must have been like to live with a Adam. Her husband abandoned her to shoulder the daily grind of managing a troubled teenager. It is hard enough to deal with a child who terrifies you, when you have spousal support, but she was having to deal with Adam’s moods by herself with no husband, and no community or school support. If Adam had scared her in the past, she may have had the guns on hand, “just in case”, though I don’t have a clue why she would have the assault rifle. For all we know, she may have had those guns locked up like they were supposed to be, and Adam just figured out how to get to them. He was a very intelligent, 20 year old young man, not a small child.
It’s too bad there was no emotional support for Nancy.